Sand Ripples

The last time I was in Provincetown for a summer vacation was 20 years ago. I was 1 month sober.  My next two trips were Ireland and Russia.  I figured why not get all the drinking capitals out of the way right up front.  In a few days I will be going back to P-Town again 20 years and one week sober later. I do not see a return trip to Ireland or Russia anytime soon!

I have had some glorious vacations in the past 20 years, one being my honeymoon. What strikes me now pondering a return to The Cape, is how many vacations I probably, no DID, ruin for others. My husband in particular. Romantic walks on the beach? Nope, too far from the booze. Romantic stargazing from an incredible roof deck? Nope too drunk to focus.  Romantic romp, well you get the picture.  

So 20 years ago there I was in P-Town in the height of the season.  A place that can make a person feel “less than” even on their best days, feeling like I had a finger stuck in an electrical outlet, my mind going 90 different directions all at once. To be honest  I don’t actually remember much of that vacation. It is blur, not a hold one hand over your right eye to focus blurry, thank goodness. More like an emotional and informational overload of sorts.   

What I do remember clear and vivid as day is sand ripples. We were walking at low tide out towards the lighthouse that stands on the very tip of P-Town.  I remember looking down and be taken in by the sand ripples. You know the kind made by the tide going in and out rather than by the wind. There I was standing in a sea of sand ripples. All I had to do was walk left or right, forward or back. I was not there to kill time till the next drink. How many experiences had I already missed because they were just place holders till the next drink?  I don’t think I had ever fully been in a moment UNTIL that exact moment. I looked down at my feet and the little whirls of incoming tide filling in among the sand ripples.  We walked to the lighthouse and sat on the beach looking out on life from the very tip of Cape Cod. I don’t remember how we got back. I do remember it was the first and best  vacation day of my life. 

Processing Loss at the Richard Rodger’s Theater

imageI just heard the cast of If/Then live on WERS.  The National Tour is in town for another week. I saw the original cast on Broadway a few years back. I was in NYC on business and had never gone to a Broadway show alone before and by God I was gonna see Idina Menzel on Broadway. It was just after the whole Adele Nazeem mishap and she was screaming Frozen all over the place so she was hot. Anyway I had loved her since Rent and was gonna see her on Broadway. I went straight to the Richard Rodger’s box office and was told there were only obstructed view left. This meant for the first 15 minutes I would only see a ceiling sconce and Idina’s well heeled feet.  I don’t  care I’m seeing Idina Menzel on Broadway…by myself….I am going to enjoy this.

The story is about Elizabeth who has to make a simple choice at the beginning of the show. Once she makes it we then follow Liz on one journey distinguished by a blue lighting effect and Beth distinguished by red. You know when the worlds collide because the lighting effect is purple.  Follow?  Those that watch Doctor Who, like Sci-Fi and have swallowed the slingshot around the sun plot line way too many times will. I do and have so I was thrilled.

Now you know Idina is going to have a big number, perhaps two. One of them comes in the middle of the second act as she pleads with her soldier/ doctor husband not to go on a third tour of duty (This is in Blue I think). He goes. It does not end well. BALLAD TIME! At this time a woman sitting about three seats to my left begins to sob and whisper “Oh No” over and over.  Idina begins to sing and we all hear a big “Oh NO” and the woman next to me on the left says excuse me we have to leave. “Now, are you kidding” I say, gesturing towards the stage.  The has to be the daughter or close work mate, probably daughter says “She just lost her husband.”

Now Idina is mid show stopper I look at the stage, the sobbing woman, her daughter/possibly work friend and God help me I did NOT say what was on the tip of my tongue. Which was “Well you should have stayed at Home!”  I’d like to say what happened next was a total recall memory of when my own Mother passed from cancer almost 30 years ago.

It was a horribly agonizing time in my life. I cried EVERYWHERE. TV shows, oh God the Waltons, everytime during the Waltons. Plays friends where in. Movies. Other people’s relatives funerals or wakes, some people I did not even know. I had close work friends too. I was a mess, a complete embarrassment to those with me MESS.  It took a long long time to get over that loss. To this day I am convinced I have locked some of that hurt deep down in the basement of my psyche, behind a big wooden door with iron clasp hinge thingies.  I was a big over emotional public display of grief and I did not care one bit who knew or witnessed it. Well maybe in hindsight…..but still.  It was the process that got me through and through I got.

I’d like to say all that went though my head during Idina Menzel’s big eleven o’clock number but No. What I said as I stood up was ” I’m sorry for your loss” as I pushed her to the right so I could watch Idina Menzel of Broadway damn it!  Not proud.

Go see If/Then on tour. I highly recommend it. It did not do very well but ran a year and is on tour so.. I however will always remember that time I went alone to see Idina Menzel in a Broadway show and more importantly as it turns out, to also see the woman who was reduced to tears and grief because Live Theater and Her Own Life intersected at the Richard Rodger’s Theater.


Welcome to my site!

SO welcome to my site.  I have been toying with setting up a proper website and blog for some time now and after some procrastination, well here it is.  I am an actor slash office manager and enjoy taking in and commenting on the world around me.  With this blog I hope to share some of my thoughts as I observe my way through life.  OK that was a horrible sentence and somewhat passive.  You all live your lives I’ll just observe…..How’s this?  As I journey through life I hope to share my thoughts and observations….you see I am not a very skilled writer.  I must say that upfront. Get that right out of the way.   Although I get some responses to my FB posts, some of my friends hate that I seem to have an aversion to grammar, proper sentence structure, spelling and basic punctuation…!;   So if Freeform blogging isn’t your thing this is not the blog for you. I just googled Freeform Blogging hoping I created a new blogging technique  right out the gate….I did not. Such is life.  I will be updating my adventures in the Boston Theater Community here as well.  Check out some of the pics from past productions.  I also enjoy posting pictures (mostly of flowers for some reason) taken with my iPhone 6 maybe I will try to combine some bloggy stuff with those.  I’m not sure, it’s a blank slate as they say but again welcome to my site.  If you like what you observe my hope that you will follow along. Or join me in my journey of observation, no…Share with me my journey of observation. Observe me as I observe…?   I think there is a follow button lower right.  You can start there.  I haven’t take the tutorial or nothing yet!!.